Dear Auntie, I am 24 years old and recently divorced after a short, immature marriage to a relative on my mother`s side of the family. My family is highly educated and has supported me completely. I am currently doing my postgraduate and preparing for the public service commission exam.

Five months ago, I met U*, a 26-year-old medical doctor, who also belongs to my city.

He is a medical officer and preparing for the commission exams too. He is mature, loyal, soft-hearted and emotionally sincere. We share a deep understanding and he accepted me fully, despite knowing my past.

U is facing strong pressure from his family to proceed with a watta satta [reciprocal bride exchange] marriage. This pressure has started affecting his focus and mental wellbeing. As a doctor, he is also concerned about hereditary health issues and wants to marry outside the family.

He has told me that he cannot commit right now, because he promised his family that he will only think about marriage after he clears his commission exam. He has asked me to trust him that he will not marry anyone else, but says he cannot give me an assurance for now. He believes he needs three attempts (about two to three years) to clear the exam.

He even says that if he fails, then, maybe, everything will collapse and that worries me.

I`m loyal to him and believe in our bond, but I also don`t know how long I should wait, especially while facing family pressure on my side too. Should I stay patient and compromise for the time being while also focusing on my career, or should I begin to move on for my emotional peace? He wants to build a strong life first, but I fear being left with regret later.

Thoughtful Dear Thoughtful, You have had a difficult journey and it`s wonderful to hear about how you are puttingyour life on track after the divorce. It`s great to see that you aren`t waiting around for things to happen.

U sounds like a decent man. It`s also heartening to hear that he accepted you without judgement.

But what makes the whole situation a bit tricky is that, while you are ready to commit emotionally, he is asking you to wait without some kind of real commitment or a definite timeline. Also, if things don`t work out a certain way, there is no accountability either.

Two to three years is a long time to wait around hoping that someone will choose you. You are a real person with real dreams, who is totally worthy of a real commitment.

When you talk about the watta satta situation, it makes me think conservative family, which makes me think they need to know their son is seeing a divorced woman and to be okay with your match. I suggest you ask him for some kind of a commitment, an engagement or even a nikaah (assuming you are Muslim).

Getting the families involved and making it official is extremely important, given your marital status.

He may be a lovely guy, but lovely guys succumb to family pressures every day in cultures such as ours. So, push him for a commitment as soon as possible. In the meantime, don`t pin all your hopes on one guy, especially someone who isn`t able to show you a clear path forward.

Make your first commitment to yourself. Put most of your energy into building your career and making something of yourself. You don`t have to shut the door completely on U, but don`t put your life on pause for him.

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

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