Every April, the Cliftonian BlockBuster Association issues an annual list of the movies slated to be released that year by the country`s celebrated film industry. Entitled Collywood`s Bestest, the list is a veritable who`s who of the `Oh God, why thems?` and is eagerly awaited by film buffs around the world.

Some of the exciting projects that we can look forward to this year include: THE CULT 111RETURN OF THE MESSIAH Director: Salman Gohar Gandapur (Esg) Genre: Action, Drama, Farce, Comedy, Gore, Rom-com, History, Sci-fi Cost: 35 acres and a mule Length: 12 minutes, 31 inches Studio: His Master`s Voices (HMV Studios) The much-anticipated last part of the popular Cult trilogy, this film is likely to hit our cinema screens in the summer. The distributors are awaiting final word from the studio to ascertain the exact release date. So, girdle your loins, grab a blueberry slush, and hold on to your bucket of mixed caramel and salt popcorn, for this offering promises to be a turbo-charged and wacky ride! We see our hero return from near megalomania to wreak vengeance on all his detractors and issue executive order upon executive order to establish a kingdom wherein he rules without accountability or grace. All evil is eliminated forever and the bads are vanquished by the goods in mindnumbing action scenes of drama, emotion and suspense. The denouement sees his followers erupt in delight and proclaim the end of history, as all of society and its neighbouring environs fall into expected prosperity, bliss and antidisestablishmentarianism.

Jeremy Khan reprises his role and, if the past is anything to go by, his performance in this iteration is certain to create a buzzdar at Cannes next year! We tau just can`t wait!PLANET OF THE APE Director: Tesla White man Genre: Docu-drama, Dystopia Cost: $250 million Length: 48 months Studio: No 16 Penn Avenue Humankind has given up all semblance of sense and sensibility and is now ruled by a giant ape-like form that it worships and defends to death. Surrounded by humanoid admirers, the creature rules with an iron fist and a moronic mind, and sports a peculiar orange skin tone that has the power to melt grey cells of Cliftonian menfolk cosily ensconced in their multimillion-dollar haciendas around the world.

His sidekick a pale, racist, evil man-child goes around brandishing chainsaws along with his offspring as visual aids in public presentations. Thechild-man and his boss-ape continue to receive great support from the brown Cliftonian communities of Aitchisoniaupon-Chenab, who find themselves sandwiched between their egos and their embarrassment.

Shot in 1eal-time with a hand-held hair dryer, this truly frightening film shows us how the Cliftonian man, fium time immemorial, has displayed the same primaeval instincts of selfishness, self-righteousness, aringance and sheer stupidity that appear to be such an integral part of his DNA.

Whether this planet can sustain such high doses of this imbecilic species of oligarch orangutans is the question Cliftonian grandchildren will be asking themselves in the future, when they look at family photos of their cultist, apesupporting grandparents.We hear that this feature might be the Republic`s official entry to the Oscars this year. Fingers crossed! DYE HARD Director: Brig (retd) Bobby Kurosawa Khan Genre: Action, Thriller, Horror, Suspense Cost: $200 billion Length: 78 years/km Studio: 20th Century Cantt Internationally acclaimed, awardwinning director Bobby Kurosawa Khan returns after a hiatus of nearly 23 minutes with this action-packed thriller.

Slated to be released in November 2025, this multi-million-dollar flick takes our hero, Jimmy `the Jirga` Jones, into the soft, namby-pamby, pseudo-liberal world of colour dyes and sees him transform it into the hardest place the universe has ever seen in the history of itself.

Jimmy has spent his entire life seeing evil soprano villains killing Cliftonian dyers softly with their songs and Jimmy has had enough. One summer morn, he spots a satanic singer singing to a fair maiden dyeing her wares by the side of the mighty river Aitchisonia (as fair maidens are wont to do).

Trained in the ancient art of MMA, Jimmy quickly disposes off the crooning demon and saves the damsel, asking her to promise that she and her community will never ever become targets of such soft serenading.

`We, who have spent a lifetime colouring the world, must now learn to become hard dyers. Hardness elicits fear. Fear elicits terror. And terror elicits respect. Dye hard and, if need be, dye hard with a vengeance!` he says in one of the most iconic dialogues of the film.

Speaking to members of the media at a special pre-release screening held recently, Bobby Kurosawa said that he hoped his film will prove to be a paradigm shift for the younger generation. `Enough is enough. The youth must learn to act hardly,` he said.

Dye Hard is scheduled to be screened in schools and universities across the country, instilling a sense of patriotic toughness, hard-core nationalism and rock-solid pride.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.

He`s on Instagram: @faridalvie